Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
