I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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