Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You left your phone here
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