ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
