I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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