How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
