Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
