i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
