I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
