i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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