Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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