Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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