Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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