it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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