break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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