I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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