why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
