i may or may not be watching the land before time
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
