your parents love me but you hate me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
