but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
