2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
