all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
