Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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