If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I forget how to act sober
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
