Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
