mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
