I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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