Don't you send me to vm
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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