A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
