They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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