Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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