i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
