That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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