I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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