shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
