I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
