WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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