Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
