I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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