You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
