i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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