Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
