my phone needs a breathalizer
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
