I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
