i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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