If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
