i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
