Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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