Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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