look no pants
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
