she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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